According to Leviticus…

One cannot eat (because they are either “unclean” or “abominations”):

• Camel
• Hyrax (a small fuzzy mammal) 
• Rabbit
• Pig, or any pork products (i.e. bacon)
• Octopus
• Lobster
• Crab
• Mussels
• Clams
• Basically any seafood that does not have both fins and scales
• Birds of prey (i.e. hawks, eagles, osprey etc.)
• Bats (what?)
• Things that crawl (i.e. mice, crocodiles, snails, etc.)
• Things that walk on four legs or more
• Blood (anyone who does so must be executed)

In regards to dress and fashion, one cannot:

• Cut off the hair on the sides of your head (no mohawks or mullets y’all)
• Trim the edges of your beard
• Allow your hair to become unruly (but if I can’t cut parts of my hair, how am I supposed to prevent this, huh? Tell me.)
• Tattoo or put marks on your skin

If you do not obey the law, God will:

• Send wild animals to attack you (what if I live in an apartment?  What’s going to attack me? A pigeon?)

Regarding women:

• When a woman is on her period, she is “in a state of menstrual pollution for seven days.” 
• Anyone who touches a woman on her period “will be unclean until evening” (what magical forces clean them at the stroke of midnight? A fairy godmother?)
• Anyone who touches anything she sat on must wash their clothes and remains unclean until the evening
• A man can contract “menstrual pollution” if he has sex with her, and any bed he lies in becomes “unclean”
• When her period stops for the month, she must offer a sacrifice for her sin or “unclean discharge”

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